It’s not the situation that wears you down, it’s the thought about it

Do you know this? You’re lying in bed at night, the light is off, and still one single sentence keeps running through your head. The same moment, the same scene, over and over again. A colleague who answered curtly. A partner who forgot something. A child who slammed the door. The situation itself is long over. But you’re still right in the middle of it.

For a long time, I thought the problem was the situation itself. So I tried to change the situation: communicate differently, more control, better planning. Until I understood that the situation is almost never the problem, but the thought I formed about it without being asked.

The author Byron Katie developed a simple exercise for this that has stayed with me ever since: not to believe a stressful thought, but to question it. Not to push it away, but to look at it.

1. The thought is not the truth, it is an interpretation

When your colleague answers curtly, that is a fact. “He thinks I’m incompetent” is not a fact, it’s a story you have put into that fact. The story feels true. That doesn’t make it true.

2. Ask yourself whether you really know

Before you believe the thought, pause for a moment and ask yourself: do I really know this, or am I just assuming? In most cases, you don’t know the actual reasons for another person’s behaviour at all. You fill the gap with your own fear.

3. Look at what the thought does to you

A thought like “He thinks I’m incompetent” does something to your body before it has even been checked. Your shoulders go up, your breathing gets shallower, the next email suddenly reads completely differently. You’re not reacting to the situation. You’re reacting to the thought about the situation.

4. Ask yourself who you would be without this thought

This is the part that has changed me the most. Imagine the same moment, without the story. The colleague answers briefly. You read it, think “maybe he’s just very busy right now” and carry on. No knot in your stomach. No thoughts spinning at midnight. The same moment, but you’re no longer in the middle of it.

Ich sage nicht, dass jeder belastende Gedanke falsch ist. Manche Sorgen sind berechtigt, manche Kritik ist zutreffend. Es geht nicht darum, alles schönzureden. Es geht darum, den Gedanken erst zu prüfen, bevor du ihm dein ganzes System überlässt.

This week, pick one single thought that hasn’t let go of you lately. Write it on a piece of paper. And ask it: are you really true? You’ll be surprised how much calm this one question alone brings back.

Written by Thorsten Enderlin